Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
