i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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