But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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