Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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