what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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