and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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