Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I want to fling myself into the sun
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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