i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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