...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
