My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
