Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
