I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
