Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
