my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
