Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
