I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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