Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
