Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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