Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
