So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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