can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
