dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
