We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i think i have two assholes
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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