Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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