So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
