You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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