Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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