so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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