i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
