this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
