why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
