I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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