I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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