i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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