bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
