I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
