I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
