im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
