So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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