woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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