So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
