with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
