three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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