i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
