He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
