i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
