I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
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Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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