i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
