if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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