4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
