Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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