Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
