seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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