i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
50% drunk capacity currently
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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