Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
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I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
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Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.