You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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