ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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