when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
