I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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