No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
