Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
