I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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