hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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