Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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